A quiet place to think out loud Who put the filling in the pie in the sky?
Thursday, February 28, 2002
MORE LISTS
My 5 favorite books - although I can't seem to put them in any kind of priority order.
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It kind of turned me on to the idea that journalists can write books. I'd love to make a living doing that.
Women in Love by DH Lawrence. One of the books I actually read in high school. It was fascinating.
Scarlet Letter Great book. Not just moral lessons - but the ramifications of judgement. Any Baptists listening?
1984 I think everyone's already said what needs to be said. It's the best of the best.
Animal Farm Great social commentary. I think if you re-read it often (which takes about an hour) you'll see a different aspect of modern day life in it. Sometimes you'll even recognize people you know.
Um.. Dudeman, why don't you read that note so the whole class can hear?
OK.. I'll bite. Here are 12 things most people don't know about me.. including some you're probably glad you didn't:
1. I had a crew cut until I was 7 years old.
2. I started playing the piano when I was 5.
3. I've driven across the country 5 times.. and would love to do it again.
4. I went to grad school because I had no idea what else to do - and wanted to hang out in California (ok.. that's not a real secret - I'd go to UCLA or Stanford again today and study just about anything).
5. I always keep score.. especially when I'm pretending not to.
6. The first time I got drunk I was 13.
7. I didn't do that well on my SAT's.. but finished college in 3 1/2 years.
8. I love to cook.. but don't do it often.
9. My first job in high school was at a women's shoe store (no Al Bundy jokes, please).
10. I love to read.. especially when I'm on vacation.
11. I sing loudly in the car.. but only when I'm alone or with someone I know well and really trust (if you've ever heard it.. you'd know why).
12. Greenville, SC is the furthest away from an ocean I've ever lived (previously.. Washington DC had been).
My friend Tjake and I talk about all kinds of things - from really serious to really superfluous. One of the latest entries in the latter category was the open to The Simpsons (it happened to be on TV at the time).
By now, you've no doubt read about the infomerical marathon. It was great TV.. and great fun. You can read first-hand accounts from Ceej or G-Rob. But I think The Simpsons is probably the longest running source of TV laughter for a lot of us (and requires NO easy payments of any amount).
We couldn't decide last night if each open was original.. or if the ending (where they all sit on the couch) rotates among several possibilities. I did some internet research and made some calls today (and asked some hard questions! - a new addition to the trifecta of stupidity).. and found some shocking (!) information... but couldn't find the answer to that question. Anyone know?
Here's what I did find (FOR YOU!):
First - and worst - Homer Simpson is only a year older than I am. Holy shit. The problem is - since he'll be that age for the rest of his television life - in two years, I'll be older than Homer. Holy f*cking shit.
On one of my favorite episodes - called Whacking Day (I'll pause while you gfaw).. there's a sign in front of the The Springfield Christian School that reads "We put the fun in fundamentalist Dogma". I was thinking a certain fundamentalist university near our real-life Springfield might use that in its new minority recruitment effort.
Some slogans that should be used in advertising:
*Stern Lecture Plumbing: I told you not to flush that..
*50 million smokers can't be wrong!
*Mt. Swartzwelder Historic Cider Mill: Now 40% quainter!
*Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn: We're Now Rat Free!
*Springfield Dog Track: Think of them as little horses.
In summary - I didn't answer my questions.. but at least something funny for a Monday.
One of my friends already wrote - there's no way to memorialize Daniel Pearl. True. I didn't know him either.. didn't even know the Wall Street Journal pays attention to that part of the world eventhough I'm one of their readers.
But I do know he was a friend. A friend is someone who looks out for your best interests even when you don't know s/he is doing it. You may never know they did it. Journalists, when they do their true work, are friends of the democracy we all hold dear and take for granted. We never would have heard of Daniel Pearl if he hadn't faced death for that belief.
I, like my friend, don't pretend to compare what I do to what Daniel Pearl did. He's what I want to be when I grow up. But just as important right now - are the hundreds (I hope thousands) of Daniel Pearls around the world we'll never hear about - because they won't have to die. They won't have to pay with their lives for a belief they hold so strongly they would risk their lives and the future of their family for it. Two months from now, Mr. Pearl's first child will be born. I hope s/he gets to spend an entire lifetime learning what daddy did - and I hope somewhere at some point.. someone says THANK YOU in person.
If you're inclined to say a prayer - remember the Daniel Pearls of the world. Remember, too, the children sleeping somewhere while daddy or mommy works for something the rest of us get to spend tomorrow not thinking or worrying about.
..Since I've spent the last two days working on three stories that didn't really work out.. I thought I'd write the one I really wanted to be covering - if I was at the Olympics.
[TAKE PKG]
nats/knocking on stadium door "I dunno where it could be.."
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THEIR DREAM.. A TRIP TO THE OLYMPICS.
sot/"I think we've looked just about everywhere.."
FOR YEARS.. THEY LOOKED FOR WAYS TO SAVE UP FOR THE TRIP.
BUT NOW THAT THEY'RE HERE.. THEY'RE LOOKING AGAIN..
[CG: Jack Schitt/Dumb shit]
sot/"It was like combining two dreams into one.."
THEY WERE WALKING THE STREETS OF SALT LAKE.. WHEN THEY FIRST SAW IT.
sot/"It was like I always dreamed it would be.."
[CG: Ima Luger/Another dumb shit]
sot/"You're just not ready for what you'll feel when you first see it.."
sot/"I mean.. dogs.. actually playing poker.."
THIS COMMON-LAW COUPLE WAS SO EXCITED.. THEY BOUGHT THE FRAMED VERSION.
sot/"It'll go right over the fake fireplace.. next to the tanning bed.."
BUT THEIR DREAM HAS TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE.
CCSTAND: THE COUPLE WAS RUNNING LATE.. ON THEIR WAY FROM JOE'S ART CORNER.. WHICH ACTUALLY IS THIS TABLE HERE ON THIS CORNER.. THAT'S JOE, BY THE WAY, WITH THE BEARD DOWN TO HIS NAVEL... THEY WERE HEADED TO LAST NIGHT'S OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATING EVENT.. WHEN THINGS BEGAN TO SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL.
nats/"We was givin that French judge the finger and all..."
EXTENDING THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS IN THE AIR.. MEANT PUTTING THE.. ER.. PAINTING.. DOWN.
PROBLEM IS..
nats/"We was kind of drunk.."
THEY NEVER PICKED IT BACK UP.. AND NOW IT'S LOST.
sot/(crying) "It's like losing a yungun.."
[CG: Joe Cool/Olympics Lost & Found]
sot/"you like.. wouldn't.. ya know.. believe the stuff we.. um.. get here."
THE OLYMPICS LOST AND FOUND HAS ALREADY LOGGED IN MORE THAN 4-THOUSAND THINGS.. EVEN AN OIL PAINTING.
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW JACK ABOUT SCHITT'S PAINTING..
sot/"I dunno jack dude.."
SO FOR NOW.. ONE DREAM WILL HAVE TO DO..
sot/"We was thinking about maybe putting a mirror up like the one on the ceiling.."
UNLESS DOGS PLAY POKER AGAIN.. BEFORE PIGS FLY..
sot/"Pigs flyin'.. we could paint that on the side of the barn..you know.. the side what ain't falled yet.."
CCN4.. SALT LAKE CITY.
Believe it or not.. that's losely based on facts. The Olympics lost and found has logged 4,000 things in.. including an oil painting.
...and found out that it's dangerous for you to smoke around gasoline. Am I:
a) An infant
b) An imbecile
c) A television anchorman
I also made some calls - and found out that one gallon of gasoline has the explosive equivalent of 14 sticks of dynamite. Thank God I'm On Your Side. Otherwise, you would have blown up! Tomorrow night.. a two-parter: how to feed yourself, and why you shouldn't take your toaster in the tub with you.
I can remember as a kid when people looked into "the future" (21st century) and talked about how all this new technology would make our lives easier and give us all this free time. Maybe it does - but I've been spending too much time playing computer games lately to notice.
One of the happiest days of my life - about seven years ago now - when I got back into television - was when I went to Pacific Bell and handed them back the pager that had been attached to my hip for the previous five years. What a great idea - you can be in touch all the time. Problem was - people expected to be in touch ALL the time. And, there was something about being paged that made people expect an immediate response. If they didn't get a return call in five minutes - there was another page with "911" after it. Pretty soon they were all "911" calls.. so I got a cell phone. What a great idea - you can be in touch all the time. Problem was - people expected to be in touch all the time. I spent every morning of a vacation in Hawaii returning calls at 6am (9am at "home).. because if you have a pager and a cell phone - you can't possibly be away for a week (this was before voice-mail pagers).
Laptop computers - same thing. Take your work everywhere. Problem is.. (you get the point). I'm glad the pager's gone (I don't want another one). I use a cell phone.. but much less than before.. and the laptop stays pretty much on my desk. Of course, that's where I spend a lot of my "free time" - playing online games that I used to play with real people - or reading about things my friends (who all sit within 30 feet of me at this desk) did. I'm not saying it ain't great.. just occasionally wondering about what I consider to be great.
Like a lot of people.. I have been "working on a book" for some time now. And by working - I mean not doing a whole lot. My computer tells me I began working on it five years ago. Nine chapters later I have.... nine unrelated chapters.
The problem is.. I like to write.. and I like to develop characters. I stop at being interested in weaving those characters together into anything that resembles a plot. It's my achillies thumb. (You may have even noticed this reading these blogs!)
The funny thing is - as I re-read some of the things I wrote a couple of years ago (or more) - it's amazing how I've become a lot of the things these characters are.. it's a little like a time capsule.. and it's kind of spooky. Of course, I'm starting a chapter about a person who is world famous, loved by all, and very rich. There's still no plot.. but here's to self-fulfilling prophecies..
P.S. And if you've got the ultimate plot for the book you've always wanted to write - call me NOW. I think we can work out a deal. :)
ev·i·dence
Pronunciation: 'e-v&-d&n(t)s, -v&-"den(t)s
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
an outward sign : INDICATION b : something that furnishes proof.
Hypothetical example: The government promised a town of people that they'd build a road. EVIDENCE might be a document, newspaper account, or witnesses who can point to the person/agency/time the promise was made.
BALANCE
bal·ance
Pronunciation: 'ba-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old French, from (assumed) Vulgar Latin bilancia, from Late Latin bilanc-, bilanx having two scalepans, from Latin bi- + lanc-, lanx plate
Date: 13th century
a counterbalancing weight, force, or influence
Hypothetical example: The government promised a town of people that they'd build a road. BALANCE might be hearing from ANYONE in said government.
I just got off the internet where I found the definitions of these words. Earlier, I made some phone calls (FOR YOU!) and learned that something called a dictionary contains definitions of all kinds of words. We're On Your Side tonight with spelling! Back to you...
Forget for a minute that this is what we're SUPPOSED to do. Fox News Channel has made a name for itself by letting us make decisions based on it's usually right (double entendre intended), self-congratulatory "reporting" by talk show hosts telling us why everyone else is wrong and they're (here's that word again) right.
Nevermind that talk radio, talk television, tabloid shows, and the stunts we pull in our own newsrooms have made it impossible for the average person to pick NEWS out of the rest of the crap we make them watch and listen to.
But tonight - I got a chance to watch our local Fox station "investigate" a story. They told us they'd report.. we could decide. After six minutes of story.. I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to decide because I don't know what they reported.. or what they could possibly be investigating. I'm not going to pretend to be a great reporter or story-teller.. but I know this: when it's over people watching should know what the fuck the story/report was about. Even children know that stories have a beginning and an end (at which point you've learned something or brought the story to a concllusion). If you ask a question a dozen times in six minutes.. you damn well should answer it at some point.
We'll skip over the ethical issue that the "victims" in this story had the same last name as the reporter... I would hope no reporter would "investigate" something on behalf of his family and pretend to be objective about it. Let's just talk about writing six minutes worth of over-stylized crap that doesn't say anything. And - when it was all over - the ending shot of this story about some road in North Carolina that was never built.. ends with a MUSHROOM CLOUD shot from Hiroshima or Nagasaki. I gather from the story that World War II has something to do with this HUGE TRAGEDY (the road not being built, of course). Unless they took the exact tar that was supposed to be that road and used it to somehow bomb Japan - there's no way you can justify equating one family's struggle for concrete with the deaths of thousands of people. I guess that's the part we get to decide - this is stupid and offensive. No wonder people find their news elsewhere.
At least this reporter doesn't work for our other competitor - or we could have heard how he "just made some calls to Hiroshima" and found out that yes, in fact, as NC7 first reported, we did drop an Atomic Bomb there. If I call in sick tomorrow - you'll know what I'm sick of.
Kilos and grams were both big in the 80's - kilograms were not. The metric system never caught on in America - because Americans just weren't interested in learning how to tell temperature all over again. And while cruising down the highway at 120 sounds like fun - it was too much trouble to be worth doing - or at least caring that you did.
Oddly enough - as I sit here on Sunday night doing what most of America does - getting ready to begin my work week.. I feel like one of the few metric system holdouts joining the rest of the country. My week is usually about half done by the point on Sunday night. Wednesday is Friday.. Saturday is Monday.. a mile is 1.6 kilometers.. all things most of us never have to think about. And now, two paragraphs into this blog, I realize that I have thought too much about it - so I'll just go to bed.
Picture if you will: you're being lead down the aisle toward your seat. You're expecting nothing different than the usual. As you make your way toward the seat you're expecting, a uniformed person looks at your ticket and tells you - oh no - no those seats - and ushers you to the first class seats.
The other people in "first class" don't look familiar until you take your seat - and notice your boss sitting right in front of you. If this were an airplane - no big deal. At a hockey game - it was, well, interesting. Sitting at a sporting event with a good friend usually makes for lots of conversation - much of it monosyllabic accompanied by various sounds including or resembling laughter.
But think about this: eliminate from the possibilities all the things you talk about with friends that include work or co-workers.. things you've done (as recently as 10 minutes prior) that your boss wouldn't appreciate - and other things you just don't want him to hear.. and figure out what's left. Hmmm... I hear the rain's gonna end soon.
Then, of course, in first class certain behavors are frowned upon. Shouting and cursing among them. Especially when the other people joining you there could be clients of the company you, your friend and your boss all work for. Sentences ending on a preposition aside - it quiets things down a lot. Oh yeah, and those other people recognize you from your job on tv and refer to you by first name (not to your face, of course, but in the conversation they're having 1.6 feet to your left).
I say all of this with a big smile on my face. It was funny to be a part of - and fun, too. A great hockey game - and a lot of fun (thanks also to another good friend who donated the tickets). But, if there's a psychology student out there who needs a dissertation idea - I would highly recommend this one. :)
We played trivia after work tonight. It's our latest Wednesday tradition (oxymoron noted). I've never been good at multiple choice anything - but it's fun. I learned a lot about Utah tonight.
Today was a "punt" day. The story I had planned (see script below) for today.. became too complicated to finish, so we put something else together. All in all, not a bad day - for me.
One of my good friends just learned that his parents are getting a divorce. He also learned a lot of things about his parents' marriage that no one would ever want to know. He's stuck in the middle. They'll sell the house.. they're living in it together in the meantime (but not speaking or communicating at all). They seem to agree on how to attempt to split assets. Here's the catch: who gets the pictures of the kids? After almost 30 years.. 2 kids (now in their 20's).. and an entire lifetime together.. how do you decide who get's the picture of "P" playing baseball when he was 8? Those are the kinds of questions that could unravel an attempt at keeping things civil. They'll have to go through that house and split every picture, keepsake and momento. How the hell do you do that?
So.. here's a question I've been pondering today: I have friends I've known for 15 years or more. We've shared a lot of good times and some bad ones. I've known them my entire adult life. We don't own things together.. but the things we share (memories, hopes, dreams, where we've been, where we're going).. are worth more. I can't imagine how you could begin to split those.. I wouldn't even want to think about it. But what's been on my mind is this: my friend is going to have to do that, too. Split emotional ties.. split holidays.. split time and attention. I don't envy him and I don't know how I can help other than to listen. I do know him well though - and I know he'll make the best situation out of it that anyone could - that's one of the reasons he's my friend in the first place.
Tease: A kangaroo.. peacocks.. chickens.. and home schooling. What they all have in common, and why they have nothing to do with my story.. right now.
nats/news car pulls up & reporter steps out
IT'S GREEN AND YELLOW.
BUT COLORS AREN'T THE BIG THING
YOU WILL REMEMBER.....
sot/"You're not scared of birds, are you?"
...ABOUT THIS HOUSE.
NOT JUST ANY BIRDS...
sot/"There's peacocks on the porch.."
YOU HEARD RIGHT.
IN ORDER TO GET IN THE HOUSE TO DO THE INTERVIEW..
sot/"You NBC guys should like that.."
WE WALKED THROUGH A GANG OF PEACOCKS.
INSIDE..
nats/bird noise
THE NOISE WAS SECOND TO THE SMELL.
BIRDS EVERYWHERE.. ALL ANXIOUS TO BE PART OF THE INTERVIEW.
sot/(loud chirping) "We dun got (more loud chirping) ripped off (chirping..)
AFTER THE INTERVIEW.. WHILE WE FINISHED SHOOTING..
sot/"We had to separate the chickens from the peacocks because they were killing each other."
A TOUR OF THE ZOO THEY'RE BUILDING IN THE BACKYARD.
CCSTAND: AND YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO GO DOWN UNDER.. TO PET A KANGAROO.
THIS IS JOEY.. FOUR YEARS OLD.. A REAL LIVE KANGAROO.. HE LOVES TO BE SCRATCHED BEHIND THE EARS AND PETTED LIKE A DOG.
sot/"we're proud of our animals.. and our children.."
SMART KIDS.. ALMOST DESTINED FOR... SOMETHING.
sot/"we're gonna take them outta that school and start home learnin' them."
NO DOUBT.. *MANY* LESSONS TO BE LEARNED HERE AMONG THE ANIMALS.
CC.. NEWS 4.. COW-PENS.
TAG: By the way, this story is about water filter problems. Chris and the people at Good Homekeeping tell us that all of this is in good fun. Anything resembing a real person is strictly unfortunate. Chris also says he has learned not to make wise cracks about his colleagues and friends being sent to work in places like Cowpens because, apparently, God has an ironic sense of humor.
...that in South Carolina... when approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic? It's one of those things on the books that no one seems to know about.
Today, I did a story about another thing that no one seemed to know much about. The difference is - this one actually matters to people. It's about those tax rebate checks we got in the mail last summer and what you need to do with them when you prepare your tax return (answer: nothing unless the IRS didn't send you enough money). As simple as it sounds - several news organizations and some tax preparation companies (including one that handles a large BLOCK of tax filers) had been given (or somehow got) wrong information and set about telling people the wrong thing. Maybe when even tax preparers can't understand the regulations just by reading them - that's a clue that things have become too complicated.
Since the story was complicated, non-visual and, in effect, a correction - I opted to be blunt and simple. Show the problem.. show the solution.. back to you. No frills.
I think the same idea has some lost value for simple communication. Forget all the complications and focus on the big picture. Management consultants have made millions of dollars selling that principle to businesses. I like to think I learn something from every story I do. I think today, rather than tax law or dumb things about the place I live, I learned (again) the value of keeping things simple.
...with Inji on Sports.. and Punxsutawney Phil on Weather.
On our 11 o'clock newscast tonight, we had dueling, er, talent. In addition to our very talented meteorologist - P-ROCK (he's DOWN with Doppler).. we, of course, had the Ground Hog's predicition for the rest of the winter. We'll see who's right (and you know I'm keeping track).
On my other side at the desk, we had SPORTSDUDE covering tomorrow's Super Bowl. And, then we heard from Inji. You may have been following me up until this point. Don't worry if you're scratching your head - Inji does that a lot. She's an orangutan in Oregon who has correctly picked the last two Super Bowl winners. She does this by picking between the T-Shirts of the competing teams (left for her by zookeepers). She went for the Patriots shirt first.. but then switched to the Rams shirt. To top it off, she then dragged the Patriots shirt through the mud. Seems Inji is squarely in the Rams camp this time.
At the end of our newscast tonight (with 20 extra seconds left over!) I speculated that with a ground hog doing weather, and an orangutan covering sports.. I was a little concerned about who/what might be delivering the news tomorrow. This got the mandatory gfaws from my partners under the bright lights.. until the mics went dead and we had our own little Saturday Night Live in the studio at 11:30 on Saturday night. Of course, they were both quick to speculate that a jackass would, in fact, be the most likely choice. SPORTSDUDE was first and loudest with this assertion. The joke's on the them - I've been a jackass plenty of times before.
Now, I know there are lotsa jokes going through some of your minds right now. In fact, I'm sure some of you reading this are struggling to compose all of those jokes. Feel free the share them. Of course, remember e-mail has a REPLY button and I won't accept your collect calls.
Oh, and Su, if you're reading this - I took the liberty of taking over one of your filing cabinets tonight. Let me know where to ship those minutes from 1996 school board meetings :). Hehe..
You might note the time of this post - obviously I'm having trouble sleeping. So I've been passing the last few hours surfing places on the net I never knew existed and, of course, downloading music and other stuff. I'm trying to imagine what I would be doing right now if I couldn't log on and surf the net. I believe I used to read from printed pages - oh so many moons ago. Hmmm.. wonder what's on TV...
I don't have much to say today - I feel like my sense of humor has taken a vacation (hopefully a short one). This is my last Thursday/Friday weekend for about a month. As much as I'll enjoy having real-people weekends.. I'll kind of miss these days. It's somehow peaceful to be off when the rest of the world is still going about its business.
So, in lieu of anything entertaining from me - try this out.
BEER GAME. I got 7 right. How'd you do?
